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User blog:Person-Man-Thing Official/important
EXECUTOR: As the executor of Mr. Muldoon's estate, I have been empowered to read Mr. Muldoon's Last Will And Testament. HEDGE: Well, get on with it, the bars open soon. JENNY: Oh, poor, dear Arthur! Waaaa! HANK: Oh, there, there, Jenny. RALSTON: God, how predictably boring. MRS. MULROY: I never worked for a kinder man. EXECUTOR: If we are all seated, I shall proceed with the reading. RALSTON: I knew it. HEDGE: Heh heh heh heh. EXECUTOR: "I, Arthur Durham Muldoon, being of sound mind and body..." HEDGE: That's a laugh! EXECUTOR: "...do hereby divide up my considerable estate as follows. To my overly emotional sister, Jenny..." JENNY: Waaaa! HANK: Jenny, darling, he's talking about us. JENNY: Oh. EXECUTOR: "...who grubbed with her husband, Hank, grubbed for everything they could get from me, and then cried crocodile tears when I needed sympathy..." JENNY: What? EXECUTOR: "...To Jenny, I leave a boot to the head." JENNY: A what? *BONK!* JENNY: Ow! HANK: Jenny, are you okay? EXECUTOR: "...and another boot to her wimpy husband, Hank." *BONK!* HANK: Ow! HEDGE: Hahahahaha... JENNY: This is an outrage! EXECUTOR: "...ah, but still, you are my sister, you have both admired my Rolls Royce, and since I no longer need it..." JENNY: Oh, dear Arthur, he's too kind! HANK: Yes. EXECUTOR: "...I bequeath another boot to the head." JENNY: What? *BONK!* JENNY: Ow! HEDGE: Hahahaha... EXECUTOR: "And one more for the wimp." *BONK!* HANK: Ow! EXECUTOR: "Next, to my alcoholic brother..." HEDGE: Hey, I don't want no boot to the head! EXECUTOR: "...to dear Hedge, who has never worked a day in his drunken life..." HEDGE: I'm coverin' up my head! EXECUTOR: "...I leave my wine cellar and three crates of my finest whiskey." HEDGE: Really? EXECUTOR: "And a boot to the head." *BONK!* HEDGE: OH! EXECUTOR: "And another for Jenny and the wimp." *BONK!* JENNY: Oh! *BONK!* HANK: Ow! EXECUTOR: "Next, to my know-it-all nephew, Ralston..." RALSTON: This is so predictable... EXECUTOR: "...I leave a boot to the head." *BONK!* RALSTON: Uh! I knew it. EXECUTOR: "And one for Jenny and the wimp." *BONK!* JENNY: Ah! *BONK!* HANK: OH! EXECUTOR: "This takes care of family obligations. And now, to Mrs. Mulroy..." MRS. MULROY: Oh, uh, I don't want nothin'. EXECUTOR: "...who took care of me faithfully these many, many years, who cared, made me laugh, brought me tea..." MRS. MULROY: Oh, I didn't mind. EXECUTOR: "To Mrs. Mulroy, I bequeath a boot to the head." *BONK!* MRS. MULROY: OH! EXECUTOR: "And one for Jenny and the wimp." *BONK!* JENNY: AH! *BONK!* HANK: OH! EXECUTOR: "And so, to my cat Mittens, I leave my entire vast...boot to the head!" *BONK!* *MEOW!* EXECUTOR: "And finally, to my lawyer, who has helped me on this will, I leave not a boot to the head...but a rabid Tasmanian devil, to be placed in his trousers?!" Ooohhh!! Oh, huh huh huh huh, and, and, "...and I leave my entire estate of $10 million to the people of Calgary so they can afford to move somewhere decent!" Huh. HANK: Is that it? RALSTON: That's it? HEDGE: That's disgraceful. EXECUTOR: There's one last thing for everyone. HEDGE: Cover your heads, everybody! EXECUTOR: "I leave everyone a lifetime supply of ice cream." HANK: Ice cream? HEDGE: Ice cream? RALSTON: Ice cream, that's all? EXECUTOR: That's all. MRS. MULROY: Well, what flavor is it? EXECUTOR: Boot to the head! *BONK!* *BONK!* *BONK!* *BONK!* ALL: OW! Category:Blog posts